19 Answers to Your Most Common Holiday Party Etiquette Questions

With the holidays come festive parties and dinners—but along with the excitement, some may feel a bit of trepidation when the invitations begin to arrive. Whether the party is a formal sit-down dinner, a glittering cocktail party, or a laid-back open house, holiday festivities can often bring questions about what to wear, what to bring, when to arrive, and how long to stay.

Jacqueline Whitmore, etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Palm Beach recommends a few general rules of thumb for holiday parties. First, ask about the dress code. It’s always better to err on the dressier side than show up underdressed. And second, "refrain from negative talking," she says. Follow that old adage: "Don't talk about sex, money, religion, and politics."

We consulted a trio of etiquette experts to get more tips on enjoying this celebratory time of year, whether you're hosting or a guest.

Who Should You Invite to a Holiday Party?

The experts agree that the best holiday parties are ones where the guests all have something in common. So organize your event around people who will have some shared interests like your neighbors, close friends, or your co-workers. Maintain clear lines of demarcation between work and play, because as Maryanne Parker, etiquette expert and founder of Manor of Manners, notes, "we behave in different ways around family and around co-workers."

And, if you'll be inviting work friends, be mindful of how you do it to avoid potential pitfalls, says etiquette expert Lisa Grotts. "Keep in mind that if you invite colleagues, you won’t be inviting the entire office so that could be a touchy situation, especially if other employees find out," she says.

Should You Have a Time Frame Listed for the Event?

Clearly stating a start and an end time for your party like 7-9 p.m. is beneficial for both guests and hosts. "I think that that's courteous to let people know that there is a start time and an end time," says Whitmore.

Can You Ask to Bring a Plus-One to a Holiday Party?

"This is a common mistake that guests make," says Grotts. "They bring a plus-one when only one was invited." And context is everything. While you might ask a close friend if you can bring your sister visiting from out of town to her holiday party, it’s generally considered rude to make that request of a host you don’t know very well.

When Someone Brings a Gift, Do You Need to Open or Serve It at the Party?

Bringing a gift is a lovely way to show your appreciation for being invited into someone’s home. But just because you bring a bottle of wine or some chocolates, doesn’t mean the host is obliged to serve them.

"Unless the host has asked you to bring something for the party, the gift you bring is a hostess gift and is not used that evening," says Grotts.

When Should You Leave a Dinner or Cocktail Party?

If an end time wasn't stated on the invitation for the party, pay attention to cues from the host that the party is over. "It is not appropriate to overstay our welcome," says Parker.

“If there’s no time specified, usually you can tell when the party is winding down: people are leaving, the bar shuts down, the music stops, the host shuts off the lights,” says Whitmore. To be a good guest you need to learn how to read a room says Whitmore because there are always “some very clear indicators that the party is winding down.”

Can You Post Images on Social Media of a Holiday Party You're Attending?

Posting photos of the cocktail soiree you are attending can make things awkward for your host, says Parker. "The host might not want people to know about the party, where the party is, or who is invited," she says.

If You're the Party Host, Can You Ask Guests to Bring Something?

Guests often enjoy the chance to chip in and share a favorite dish. "I think it's fun to ask people to bring something so that they feel like they're contributing," says Whitmore. It often helps for the host to be specific about what each guest should bring so you don’t end up with four appetizers and no dessert.

If You’ve Been Asked to Bring a Dish, Should You Also Bring a Host Gift?

Gifts are an acknowledgment that your host has gone to a lot of trouble to create their holiday party. Etiquette experts agree that a host gift is almost always a nice gesture, especially if you are going to someone’s house for the first time, says Parker. A hostess gift can be something homemade or relatively inexpensive, too, because this is one case where the cliche "it’s the thought that counts" really applies.

What Are Some Unique Hostess Gifts Besides Flowers or a Bottle of Wine?

Whitmore advises tailoring your gift to your host’s particular taste and interests. Is your host a gardener? "You might want to bring something like a bird feeder or something that they could put in their garden," says Whitmore. Hosts who love to entertain might appreciate some linen cocktail napkins. "If they like wine, maybe you give them some specialty wine glasses,” she says.

Flowers can be tricky since they require a busy host to track down a vase with water. The more traditional approach, says Whitmore, is for a guest to send flowers ahead of time on the day of something as formal and elaborate as a holiday dinner party.

How Do You Handle People Who Don't RSVP?

You’ve planned a special dinner party and thought carefully about who to invite and what you will serve. Now you need to figure out the seating plan at the table, but one couple still hasn’t responded. What should you do when someone has not RSVP’d and your party is fast approaching? Guests should be aware that "it’s rude not to RSVP because it keeps your host guessing,” says Grotts.

For hosts, "If you don't hear from a guest, it's within your right to pick up the phone and ask if they are coming,” says Grotts.

And of course, different types of parties have different rules. A dinner party invitation requires a prompt RSVP so that the host can start making plans. An open house holiday party is different. If guests show up without RSVPing, it may not be as big of a deal, says Whitmore. But if an invitation of any kind comes with a request to RSVP, it is always gracious to honor that request and respond promptly.

How Late Can You RSVP to a Party?

Try to respond as soon as you get the invitation so your host has clarity and you don’t lose track of the date. We’ve all done it; an invitation (especially true of online invites) has slipped our mind and we realize that the date of the party is fast approaching. Since it can be very easy for time to get away from us, Whitmore recommends striking while the iron is hot—as soon as that invite arrives.

Should the Host Always Come to the Front Door to Greet Guests?

"Usually, the host doesn't stand at the door and greet every guest anymore,” says Whitmore. Instead, the host may be busy working the room or making sure everyone has a drink. But Whitmore adds that “once people enter the room, I think it's their responsibility to go and introduce themselves to the host and let the host know they're there.”

How Should You Introduce Yourself to Someone New at a Holiday Party?

It's always best to tell the person how you're affiliated or associated with the host, says Whitmore. "Simply walk up and say ‘Hi, I'm Jacqueline Whitmore. I'm a friend of Janice's from high school. How do you know the host?’” she says.

Can You Ask Guests to Take Their Shoes Off?

Most people quickly figure out the house rules when they see all the shoes lined up upon entering a home, says Whitmore, but a gentle reminder that you prefer they remove their shoes is fine too. Just don’t expect people to pad around your home in bare feet. "I would certainly provide something to put on people's feet," says Whitmore. "I might provide socks or those disposable slippers so that people feel comfortable."

Can You Specify 'No Children' On an Invitation?

"I wouldn't flat out say 'no children allowed.' That’s rude," says Whitmore, who thinks most people will get the message that they are being invited to an adult party—unless the host has specifically mentioned that it's a family party. But if they do show up with kids, she says, do everything you can to go with the flow and keep them from feeling embarrassed for their faux pas. Good hosts think ahead and anticipate hiccups like this and will find something on Netflix for the children to watch in the other room or have some coloring books or activities on hand to keep children occupied while the adults are eating or mingling.

How Should You Handle Guests’ Dietary Preferences?

"Last year I went to a holiday party and the host was vegan," says Whitmore. "But she provided a variety of things. And she had little cards in front of each dish, saying what it was, whether it was vegan, or whether it was gluten-free just to make sure everybody was accommodated." People with special dietary restrictions can also go the extra mile and eat beforehand or ask the host if they can bring something to share that suits their diet. "They might say 'I'm vegan but I would love to bring something to share with everybody if that's OK,'" says Whitmore.

If You're Running Late, Should You Call or Text the Host to Let Them Know?

"Always," says Whitmore, though she recommends a better tactic might be to phone or text one of the guests since the host might have their phone turned off so they can be fully present, or be busy attending to guests.

What Is Proper Cell Phone Etiquette When You Are at a Holiday Party?

The whole point of parties, notes Gotts, is to be around people. "Parties are all about communication as in face-to-face," she says, so don’t ignore real people by communicating on your phone during a party.

If you are waiting on a very important call, be prepared to take it away from the party. "You certainly need to leave the room or take the call in private," says Whitmore. And never, ever, bring your phone to the dinner table with the expectation of using it there. "This is highly inappropriate," says Parker.

Is It Necessary to Write a Thank You Note After a Holiday Party?

Hosting people in your home during this busy time of year is always a generous act. So showing your appreciation by texting, emailing, or writing a note to thank them for their hospitality is a way to show your appreciation for their time and effort. "You’re never going to be wrong sending a thank you note," says Whitmore.

Try to respond as soon as you get the invitation so your host has clarity and you don’t lose track of the date. We’ve all done it; an invitation (especially true of online invites) has slipped our mind and we realize that the date of the party is fast approaching. Since it can be very easy for time to get away from us, Whitmore recommends striking while the iron is hot—as soon as that invite arrives.